


Everything Of Me

by gingergenower



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Feels, Fluff, Friends With Benefits, Friends to Lovers, Lawyer Magnus Bane, M/M, Smut, Songwriter Alec Lightwood, alec made me write poetry and I haven't forgiven him yet
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-30
Updated: 2019-01-30
Packaged: 2019-10-19 15:09:01
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,344
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17603654
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gingergenower/pseuds/gingergenower
Summary: 'Swallowing, Magnus nods, and Alec brings their clasped hands up to his lips to kiss the back of Magnus’ hand; it’s intimate and effortless, affectionate and gentle, and Magnus is vulnerable to how much he feels it.'ORIn the morning, and at night, they fall in love.





	Everything Of Me

**Author's Note:**

> [lu's original prompt here](https://twitter.com/_L_ecrit/status/1034820924485382144)
> 
>  
> 
> hope you like it!

Friday

 

Magnus stretches like a cat in bed; toes pointed, arms straight up in the air, after a few, hovering seconds, he flops back into the sheets. Lips parted, long eyelashes touching his cheek, Alec’s still fast asleep, and his open palm’s relaxed on the mattress between them like he reached out for Magnus at some point in the night,

The alarm on Magnus’ phone buzzes, but he’s quick to turn it off.

Sighing, Magnus pulls the sheets aside and sits up, rubbing his face to wake himself properly. Magnus really had only come over last night for a movie with his best friend. He didn’t mean for it to… escalate. Again.

Scooping up the clothes they dropped on the floor, folding Alec’s in a neat pile and leaving them on his dresser, he borrows one of Alec’s towels out of the cupboard. He showers fast and changes into the clean suit he brought, shaving and taking care with his makeup in the tiny oval mirror over the sink.

Smudging gold in the inner corner of his eye, brightening them and to make him look awake, he applies a fine line of kohl around his eyes and dabs lip gloss in the middle of his bottom lip.

Everything’s going to be fine. He’s got this.

Back out in the bedroom, he puts his washbag in his satchel and slings the bag over his shoulder, scanning the room for anything he might’ve left. Spotting his phone charger, he circles the bed to unplug it, and Alec wakes up.

He’s slow to it, eyes blinking open blearily. “-time is it?”

“Nearly seven thirty,” Magnus says, putting his charger in his bag. “Go back to sleep.”

Instead, Alec props himself up on his elbows. “You coming tonight? I think everyone’s in, for once.”

“Yes,” Magnus says. “You owe me a drink.”

Alec rolls his eyes. “You owe me a rematch.”

That pool table might _just_ be the end of their friendship. Magnus shakes his head as he opens the door, smile fading, not quite stepping through it, glancing back over his shoulder. Alec tilts his head in a question, expression softening.

“Thank you, for last night. I needed distracting.”

Warm and steady, Alec nods. “Good luck today.”

Exhaling, Magnus smiles and shuts the door quietly. Fingers gliding along the smooth wood of the top of the piano in the living room, glancing across the river to New York’s early summer glow, he heads out of Alec’s apartment to get to court with plenty of time.

 

***

 

The _Hunter’s Moon_ was raucous with bodies and laughter and friendly faces, but Magnus’ apartment building is quiet. Alec stumbles into the elevator when it stops at the first floor, stabbing two buttons when he’s only trying to get one- and neither of them are the right floor anyway.

Magnus presses his lips together, trying not to smile as he pushes seven. “This is my building, Alec, not yours.”

“Hmm?” Alec’s hands are clumsy in their attempts at coordination- Magnus has to let himself he tugged in, hands on Alec’s waist to keep him steady- and he strokes Magnus’ cheek. “I knew you could do it.”

Everyone toasted to Magnus when he admitted the closing argument of his pro bono case was even stronger than he expected, but Alec was so _proud_. Even as he bent over the pool table his eyes flicked up to Magnus, taking the shot and making Simon groan at being beaten again without so much as looking away.

“Thank you,” Magnus says, trying to hide how affected he is, but it’s clear Alec sees, and he kisses him.

At first, it’s no more than the soft slide of lips. Alec tastes like the rum he’s been drinking, feels familiar and sweet, but the elevator doors shut and he pulls Magnus in more firmly. Finding the buttons at the top of Magnus’ shirt, he flicks them open to get more skin and moves down, lips sucking at his jaw, his throat, messy but _good_ , and Magnus’ breath catches.

The first time they hooked up, nearly six months ago, they were both wasted. Trying to drink himself into forgetting Camille, Alec trying to keep up, Magnus remembers some of the night but mostly the morning.

He woke up naked in Alec’s arms. Thinking he fucked up everything and not knowing who initiated it but sure he couldn’t _cope_ with losing Alec if he had, Magnus panicked- and then Alec opened an eye, squinting at him, reading him. Pulling him closer, kissing his forehead, he let Magnus cling to him until his thrumming heart settled, slowly understanding what Alec was telling him; he wasn’t going anywhere.

The elevator doors open and, double checking it’s the right floor, Magnus pulls away. Getting them out into the corridor, Magnus leads them to his door, but even as he’s walking and trying to find his keys, Alec catches up.

Pulling Magnus back against his chest, lips latched onto his neck, Alec smirks against Magnus’ skin when he bites hard enough to make Magnus moan. He grinds against Magnus’ ass and sucks relentlessly, hands on his stomach keeping them pressed together, and Magnus gives into it, leaning against him.

“Love this shirt,” Alec murmurs as he pulls it untucked, breath hot and fingers insistent, “you look so fucking good.”

“Strange that you’re doing your best to get me out of it, then,” Magnus says, but he freezes when Alec works open his belt and unzips his pants. “Alec, what are you doing?”

Alec’s lips pause under his ear.

“We’re not doing this here.”

“…we’re not?”

“No, we’re in the corridor.”

“-right,” Alec says, hands on Magnus’ stomach again, biting under Magnus’ ear, but Magnus pulls away and turns to look at Alec properly.

“How much did you have tonight?”

“Um, five doubles? And some shots? I’m quite drunk,” Alec says, swaying. He won’t remember half of the night, judging by his glazed eyes.

Magnus sighs, zipping his pants up and slipping his belt back in place. “You’re too drunk.”

“I am?”

“Yes,” Magnus says, suddenly grateful he didn’t try to get Alec back to his own apartment, halfway across town.

Finding his keys in his back pocket and opening his apartment door, he gestures Alec walk in, but Alec doesn’t move. He thinks Alec’s just slow to react, but he swallows, looking at the floor.

“I’m sorry,” he says, upset in a way he’d never be sober, and Magnus exhales, hand resting on his neck.

“Sweetheart,” Magnus says, waiting until Alec meets his eye before he continues, “you don’t have to apologize. Tonight was fun. I just don’t want to do anything and risk taking advantage of you. Ok?”

After a moment, Alec nods, and Magnus cups his cheek, stroking with his thumb.

“Come on. You need water and bed.”

 

Saturday

 

Waking up in his own bed, the curtains shut against summer sunshine, Magnus winces. There’s pressure in his head- not a splitting headache, but a reminder he didn’t drink any water himself last night- and he tries to convince himself to get out of bed, sitting up.

In the low light, Magnus sees there’s a fresh glass of water and a packet of aspirin on the bedside table he didn’t put there. Foregoing the aspirin but taking the water, Magnus is drinking it slowly as he hears a distant clunk, somewhere further in his apartment. He pauses, listening, but there isn’t another noise, so he drains the water and gets up.

Pulling on his satin robe as he ventures out into the hallway, he finds Alec in the kitchen.

Magnus’ joggers around his hips, shirtless and hair still shower-damp, Alec flips a pancake as Magnus rests his shoulder against the doorframe. He smiles when he sees Magnus. “Good morning.”

“Good morning, Alexander,” Magnus says. Alec’s very much a tidy-as-he-goes kind of cook, so the kitchen’s spotless, but he doesn’t use Magnus’ kitchen very much so he’s impressed Alec managed to find everything; strawberries and bananas and blueberries already chopped up in their own bowls, the maple syrup set out on the breakfast bar. “This seems like quite the production. Can I help?”

“I think the coffee’s nearly done?” Alec says, and Magnus checks the filter as Alec looks at the colour on another pancake on the griddle. “I’m really sorry about last night, I didn’t mean to get _that_ wasted. I kept making Simon buy me drinks.”

Magnus smiles. “So this is apology pancakes?”

“This is apology pancakes, and this is thank you coffee,” Alec says, pointing, and Magnus nods approvingly.

“Apology accepted and you’re welcome,” he says, setting Alec’s coffee out and stirring sugar in his own. “Izzy was a little concerned about you getting home on your own, so I volunteered to babysit.”

“I’ll text her,” Alec says, but his expression changes into something unreadable as he sees something on Magnus’ neck. “Who did that?”

Reaching up and touching where Alec’s looking, Magnus realises he means the bruise he inevitably got last night. “Your sister.”

“ _What_?”

“You did, you idiot,” Magnus says, rolling his eyes and poking him.

Alec puts the spatula down and rubs his temples, resting his elbow against the counter. “I never needed to have the image of you and Izzy in my head, Magnus,” he says, weary. “Jesus _Christ_.”

“You really don’t remember?”

“Does it _seem_ like I remember?”

Magnus smirks, switching the heat off the griddle and piling the pancakes on two plates. Setting them both out, he fills Alec in on most of the night as they eat, sparing him the embarrassing details of trying to take Magnus’ pants off in the corridor, but he does tell him about being accosted in the elevator.

Alec tries to apologize again, but Magnus waves him off. He left Alec to drink half a litre of water and by the time he got back from a late-night shower, Alec had passed out. He wasn’t the most difficult drunk Magnus has ever helped.

Spearing a strawberry on his fork and eating while Alec finishes his pancakes, Magnus shrugs. “Besides, this is a very good apology already.”

“Thanks.” Alec smiles thoughtfully. “I don’t think I’ve ever made you breakfast the morning after before, have I?”

“I usually grab something from Starbucks on the way to work,” Magnus says, stabbing another strawberry and pointing between them with his fork. “And this isn’t a morning after, you realise.”

He chews slower when he see the flash of an idea in Alec’s eyes, turning to him, and Magnus swallows his mouthful. “That was in no way a request, Alec-”

“I know.” Sliding off the stool, standing between Magnus’ open legs, Alec touches the bruise he left the night before with his thumb, tilting Magnus’ jaw up to kiss him. “I just want to.”

Eyes fluttering closed, Magnus smiles against his lips, but Alec doesn’t linger. Tugging Magnus to standing, still kissing him, Alec pushes Magnus’ robe off as he backs him up and it pools at their feet.

Magnus thinks they’re heading to the bedroom but Alec backs him into the kitchen, hands bracing under Magnus’ thighs to pull him up and sit him on the counter.

Arching his back, pulling Alec closer as he reconnects the kiss, Magnus hums his approval. Normally they do this because one of them is stressed or frustrated or whatever, but this is just… fun. Even balanced on the edge of the counter, only kept there by Alec’s weight, Magnus knows Alec won’t let him fall.

 

Monday

 

Clearly anticipating Magnus would too, Alec dresses up for dinner, and it makes it difficult to concentrate. He’s wearing a suit jacket Magnus hasn’t seen before, well cut and tailored properly, but it’s the pants he couldn’t have anticipated- they’re skin tight leather. Magnus lets himself be led inside, not allowing his thoughts stray into impropriety.

They’ve been to the speakeasy-style restaurant a few times, good food and good liquor, so Alec knew to ask for one of the tables at the back when he called ahead to book a table, because it’s quieter, and he pulls a chair out for Magnus.

Knees touching they’re sat so close, listening intently to each other, they’re in their own world. In between courses, Alec mentions that he’s halfway through a song, and Magnus tells him about the innocent verdict in his pro-bono case, admitting he didn’t expect the jury to come back with good news so quickly.

“I would’ve,” Alec says, quiet.

Magnus sips his cocktail, shaking his head. “I was fighting about six different battles. They kept ‘finding’ new evidence, the report was falsified, the prosecution was convinced his history of misdemeanours meant he was guilty of assault- I think the judge was happy just to lock him up and be done with it. I’m not sure I’d have become a lawyer if I knew the justice system has very little interest in actual _justice_.”

“If you hadn’t become a lawyer, you wouldn’t have saved that kid,” Alec says, offering his open palm on the table. Their fingers thread together, Alec’s guitar-calloused fingers sliding though Magnus’ ringed ones, and they both look back up at the same time. “And he needed you to.”

Swallowing, Magnus nods, and Alec brings their clasped hands up to his lips to kiss the back of Magnus’ hand; it’s intimate and effortless, affectionate and gentle, and Magnus is vulnerable to how much he feels it.

They don’t let go of each other until their main course arrives, and they don’t get dessert. Instead, hand on Magnus’ knee under the table, eyes flitting to his lips, Alec suggests they go back to his place for another drink.

“I would like that,” Magnus says delicately, and Alec’s eyes darken slightly, although Magnus thinks it might just be the light.

 

***

 

Magnus whimpers a tiny _ah, ah, ah_ with every thrust, eyes squeezed shut, fingers digging into the sheets. All he can feel is Alec, inside him and holding him and whispering in his ear, and it’s _too much_ and exactly what he wants- he wants Alec’s body and tongue and deep-sharp-hard and struggling to breathe, nothing coherent except this feeling, nothing real except the two of them, he wants-

“Alec,” Magnus gasps, his whole body convulsing at every plunge, and Alec kisses the nearest skin he finds. “ _Alec_ -”

“I’ve got you,” Alec exhales, face pressed into Magnus’ shoulder, breathless himself, “Magnus, I- _shit_ -”

Pushed over the edge by his name in Alec’s mouth, Magnus can’t even _breathe_ \- stunned and shattering as Alec fucks him through it, he sobs when Alec comes with a groan, slowing to a stop inside his trembling body.

Held up by shaky arms, Alec pushes back. Letting the leg that was hooked over his shoulder lower with him, hips sinking back into the mattress, Magnus cringes when Alec pulls out, but he doesn’t try to move.

Lightheaded just lying there, breathing fast and shallow, he feels a hand cup his cheek.

“Magnus.” Alec sounds worried. “Are you ok?”

Sight bleary as he opens his eyes, Magnus nods even though he’s pretty sure every muscle in his body will be feeling this in a few minutes. “Yeah.”

Alec kisses his forehead as his eyes drift closed again. He can feel Alec moving around, cleaning them both up, discarding the condom, and the bed shifts when Alec kneels next to him.

“I think you might’ve… actually just fucked my brains out,” Magnus murmurs, blinking up at Alec when he huffs a laugh, hand resting on Magnus’ stomach, lips touching his shoulder.

“Are you sure you’re ok?”

“I’m sure. That was…”

“Intense?” Alec suggests, close enough that Magnus can see the hazel-green of his eyes, and Magnus smiles faintly.

Alec wasn’t the same man when they met at a party in college dorms six years ago. So deep in the closet as a teenager he didn’t say the word ‘gay’ out loud until he left home, closed off and afraid and exhausted of hiding inside himself, he didn’t speak much. He was leaning against a wall and talking to Izzy, too tall not to be seen but doing his best not to be noticeable regardless- and he saw Magnus looking.

His gaze softened like they already knew each other, and all Magnus could think was that there are entire galaxies with less kindness in them than Alec’s eyes.

Magnus nods, parting his lips slightly in invitation, and Alec cradles his neck, leaning down to kiss him again.

 

Tuesday

 

All but heading out of the door, Alec still asleep, Magnus sits on the edge of the mattress and tries not to pay attention to how much he can still feel last night. The movement stirs Alec, and he makes a small, reluctant, this-is-too-early noise, and Magnus smiles.

“Alexander,” Magnus says, and Alec buries his face in his pillow. “It’s nearly seven.”

“-‘s too early.”

“You asked me to wake you up.”

“Didn’t,” Alec says, petulant, and Magnus tries not to laugh, and Alec’s fingers find Magnus’ and curl around them. “Is it really seven?”

“Sorry.”

Alec exhales, as if all of life is a burden, but he blinks up at Magnus and takes in the sight of him. “You’re dressed.”

“I’ve got to go home and get a shower and a change of clothes before work,” Magnus says, and Alec starts to play with his hand.

“Or, you could stay here. With me. All day.”

“All day?”

Magnus smiles, can’t help it, at Alec’s sudden mischief-bright eyes, sitting up on his elbow.

“Exactly. We’ll order food in, watch movies, make love for hours…”

“That sounds like fun, but I have work.”

Tugging Magnus’ hand, letting go to catch Magnus’ neck and drag him down, Alec kisses him. He’s rough with stubble, exploiting every weakness he knows Magnus has, and he smirks when Magnus kneels on the bed instead, the angle awkward for his neck. Catching Magnus’ beltloops, Alec hauls him closer until he’s forced to straddle Alec just to keep his balance.

“Listen to me,” he says against Magnus’ lips, cupping his face with both hands as he pulls Magnus back in.

“I’m going to be talked into some terrible idea, aren’t I?” Magnus mutters, and Alec shushes him with another kiss, grinning.

“We should stay here all day,” he says, and Magnus can only kiss him back- god, they’re making out like teenagers, Alec makes him understand what want _is_ \- and the tone of his voice is so confident it’s like Magnus has already agreed to it, “and you should call in sick to work.”

“I was right,” Magnus says, kissing down Alec’s jaw, “this is a terrible idea.”

Alec laughs and drags him back to kissing. Helping his get his blazer off, too rigid and restrictive for this, he tosses it away. As soon as it’s gone Alec’s fingers are already pulling the back of his shirt up, blunt nails scraping down Magnus’ shoulder blades, and Magnus shivers, lips parting involuntarily. Dropping his weight lower, chest to bare chest with Alec, Magnus sighs when Alec presses deeper, holding him tighter.

“Someone would miss me.”

“They probably would,” Alec agrees, grinning up at Magnus when he pulls back to take Alec in. “What?”

“I really do have to go,” he says, but- well, Alec is reading him, and he knows it’s obvious Magnus doesn’t want to anymore. “My boss will expect me to be there.”

“I’m sure he will,” Alec says, not at all interested, hand resting on his neck, watching Magnus carefully. His next move catches Magnus off guard- finger hooked through his belt loop again, hand firmly on his shoulder, Alec drags him down sideways onto the bed and moves with him, ending up on top. Rolling his hips into Magnus’ as a compelling reminder of the night before, smirking when Magnus’ legs spread further open so he can press even closer, Alec kisses the corner of his mouth. “But I want you _here_.”

Alec kisses him again, and Magnus moans because he can still feel where Alec was inside him; he can feel where this is heading, and he’ll probably be hypersensitive no matter how gentle Alec is but he wants that, he wants yesterday in his _skin_.

Alec works the buttons of shirt and Magnus grins as Alec lowers his mouth the to new skin he reveals. “I was _dressed_ a minute ago-”

“You look better like this.”

“-I genuinely was going to _leave_ , I was going to- _oh_ , oh- wake you up and _go_ -”

“But you’re not anymore?” Alec asks politely, tongue finding Magnus’ pulse before he bites it.

Magnus’ body jerks, and Magnus can feel him smiling as he flicks the next button open and starts sucking where he’s left teeth marks. He wants to glare at Alec, but all he can do is bite his lip and try not to groan at Alec’s rocking hips, squeezing his eyes shut- he feels _stupid_ with Alec, this is not normal, is this how it’s supposed to make him feel-?

His phone buzzes in his jacket pocket on the floor, and they both freeze, listening. There isn’t another buzz, so it’s not a call, but Magnus drops his head back onto the bed.

Alec sighs and sits back on his knees, knowing the moment’s over.

Magnus gets up, buttoning up his shirt and restyling his hair in mirror. Slinging his jacket over his shoulder, he stops to kiss Alec in apology.

“I want to stay,” he murmurs, kissing him again, “believe me, this is the most difficult ‘no’ I’ve ever given, but I can’t skip work because you’re the best sex of my life-”

Alec pulls back a little, an instinctive recoil- and Magnus shakes his head and strokes a thumb down his cheek, smiling a little disbelievingly.

Alec’s only had three boyfriends, the longest lasting no more than four months, so Magnus knew he wasn’t the most experienced person he’s ever been with, but it hasn’t mattered.

“Alexander, I have _never_ felt the way I felt last night.” The words are true; they come easy and weigh too much.

“You don’t have to…”

“What? Flatter you with insincerity?” Magnus raises an eyebrow. “Sweetheart, I don’t feel the need.”

By increments, Alec’s eyes settle into muted faith. “Really?”

“Really.”

Alec smiles, small and hopeful. “Ok.”

“Ok.” Magnus presses their lips together briefly, straightening up and touching his cheek one last time. “See you soon, Alexander.”

As Magnus leaves, he hears Alec topple back into bed, his delighted laughter muffled by his hands.

 

Thursday

 

Wednesday, Alec needed to write, so Magnus went out with some colleagues, but Thursday afternoon he texted Alec to see if he wanted to come over and pick a terrible movie on Netflix to make fun of, and he arrives at about seven in the evening.

Curling up on opposite ends of the couch, Alec picks the shittiest movie of the selection when they search for ‘Christmas’, bad in a fun way, and Magnus rests his head on the back of the couch, asking how Alec’s day went when he hits play.

“I finished the song,” Alec says, putting the remote down. “At least, a rough draft. I like it, it’s… strange, but I like it.”

“Strange how?”

“It’s pretty hard to pin down. It’s not any one thing- I’d pitch it as pop, because it’s kind of romantic, but it hurts? I don’t think any of the big names will want it. In fact, I might not sell it at all. I’ve got two or three songs I can’t let go of, and I think this is another one.”

Magnus knows he hears most of Alec’s demos when he sends them off to producers, so he pauses. “Have I ever heard them?”

“No,” Alec says, and he smiles at Magnus’ pout. “I might let you, one day.”

“You don’t have to,” Magnus says, turning back to the movie, making a comment how if they want him to believe the main character’s struggling for money they probably shouldn’t have put her in a Ted Baker nightshirt, but when he glances back, Alec’s distant, thoughtful.

“I’ve written about you, you know.”

Magnus swallows. “You have?”

“Yeah. Do you remember ‘Offering’, before the studios got their hands on it?”

The producers pulled it apart and stitched it back together in ways Alec didn’t like, making it ‘perkier’ and ‘more romantic’ for a wider market, so Magnus never listened to the wide release version, but he rarely listened to the original, either. He always thought it was dark, desperate- a man giving himself entirely to his reckless love, knowing it’ll destroy him. It reminds him of Camille.

“There’s a line in the chorus… um, hang on,” Alec says fumbling with his phone to play it over the movie, skipping to the pre-chorus. Alec’s own voice sings it, his voice soft, piano accompaniment only.

 

_‘I’m broken and breaking_

_And here for the taking_

_It’s spoken in silence_

_My vows of compliance_

_I am offering_

_To you, I am offering_

_Whatever you’re wanting-‘_

 

Alec stops it. “That last line, you said it to me once.”

“‘Whatever you’re wanting’?

“Yeah. It’s… odd phrasing? Normally someone would say ‘whatever you want’- you were trying to seduce me, and you weren’t even being serious, really, but… I had to write it down after you fell asleep- I liked it, but I couldn’t figure out why, and it… became that whole song.”

Alec’s rambling, caught up in the story, but Magnus is still a little- stuck.

“You wrote that about me?”

Pausing, Alec thinks about it. “Ok, maybe that was a bad example. Obviously that _song_ wasn’t about you, it’s not-”

“You would tell me if you felt like that, wouldn’t you?” The fear clips his voice.

“ _Yes_ , Magnus,” Alec says, kneeling in front of Magnus. “It’s a song, it’s not real, I wrote it after we’d already started this- I was in a _good_ place, and it was more about… if I were to ever reach a moment where I was so low I were to give in to loneliness. The lover in this song is the embodiment of _loneliness_ , not a real person. Not you.”

Trying to read him, Magnus doesn’t answer, and Alec sighs.

“Magnus, I haven’t sold a single song that’s about you, but your fingerprints are on all of the ones I have. Hell, do you remember the trip we did to Central Park last year, and then everyone gave me shit because all I did was sit in the shade and write?”

Magnus nods.

“That was your fault, we were on the subway there and you were teasing Izzy and Clary about finally getting their shit together, and just the way you were _looking_ at them… even though everyone knew about them already, really, you were still so happy for them, and that’s what ‘Open Secret’ is.”

His first big hit, a pop number that propelled a YouTube singer to viral fame. It was a perfect summer dance song. It was happy to be happy.

“I’ve never _offered_ any part of myself to you without the knowledge it’ll be safely returned,” Alec says, and Magnus stares at Alec’s lap, trying to process. “Magnus, please look at me.”

Magnus doesn’t.

“‘If I sleep, I might miss / Your waking, part of this / Sweet peace of our making’.” Alec smiles, helpless, when Magnus meets his gaze. “I wrote that in your arms.”

Magnus wants the Alec’s words poured into his soul, long fingers uncurled from around his heart, but he knows nothing will be enough except the taste of his skin and he isn’t sure how they become _this_ but he doesn’t have the time to think about it because he kisses Alec.

The two leads are having their meet-cute onscreen, and Alec kisses back, light and sweet as he guides Magnus back into the couch, straddling his waist- Magnus pulls him in close, fingers shaking.

Does Alec feel it like he does?

Reaching between them, Magnus goes to palm Alec through his jeans, but Alec draws his wrist back up. Magnus breaks the kiss, afraid all over again, but Alec just touches his forehead to Magnus’.

“Magnus, you make me feel _safe_. Do you remember the first time you fucked me?”

It took twenty minutes to prep him, he so was so tense and nervous. Magnus used half a bottle of lube and kept up a steady stream of assurances, trying to distract him, Alec nodding tightly at ‘another?’. Both sweating, keyed up messes by the time Magnus finally pushed inside, Alec needed another minute before Magnus could even move.

“I said to you it’d been a long time, since I’d… done it, with an ex.”

Magnus stiffens.

“I lied to you. You were my first time.”

Pushing him back and sitting up on his elbows, Magnus feels cold. “What?”

“I know I should’ve told you, I just-”

“Oh my god, Alec,” Magnus says, and it was months ago but _holy shit_. Magnus slumps back into the cushions because he hasn’t got room to sit up, scrubbing his face with both hands. “ _Fuck_.”

“I didn’t want you to treat me differently, I didn’t want it to be a big deal-”

“Alec,” Magnus says, hands still over his face. “People go slow their first time, I’d have treated you differently because it would’ve been _important_ to, it’s an entirely new sensation and- I can’t believe you did that, I could’ve _hurt_ you-”

“You’re my best friend, you’d never hurt me-”

“You don’t get it,” Magnus says, staring up at him, jaw clenched. “It doesn’t matter that I didn’t, I could have because _you didn’t tell me everything I needed to know_.”

Like he’s about to argue, Alec’s mouth opens but he doesn’t say anything. He’s clearly realising Magnus is right.

“I’m more experienced than you, I’m _older_ than you,” Magnus says, because two years isn’t much now Alec’s twenty-four, but it means Magnus has been sexually active for more than twice as long as Alec has, nine years to four. “You should’ve told me.”

Alec pulls off Magnus slowly, sitting at the other end of the couch, face in his hands.

For a minute, there’s only the movie playing. Magnus tries to- piece it together, make it make sense. He remembers Alec clenched around his fingers- and stroking his hip, kissing his chest, trying to make it good. He remembers making Alec laugh, saying something stupid and Alec’s body jolting when he moved. He remembers Alec’s face screwing up when Magnus pressed in, and asking if they should stop, and Alec’s determined shake of his head.

He remembers trying to be gentle. It was a kind of first for him, too.

Alec turns the movie off and stands up, not looking at Magnus. “I’ll just-”

He heads to the door, but Magnus stands up and cuts him off. “Have you lied to me about anything else in bed? You need to tell me, right now.”

Alec shakes his head, and Magnus can feel his fear. “No.”

“Are you _sure_?”

“Yes.”

Magnus nods once, heaving a sigh, and he kisses Alec’s forehead as he pulls him into a hug.

Alec clutches onto him. “I’d never even wanted it before, but you made me feel safe, and- I’m so sorry.”

Trying not to be angry that Alec put himself in that situation, that he might’ve put himself in that situation with someone else, Magnus wraps his arms more comfortably around him. “You’re forgiven.”

As he’s holding him, the morning after surfaces in his memory. They try to keep their friendship and the sex separate, but Alec kissed him, long and slow, and embraced him, just like this. Magnus didn’t know what he was doing, but he hadn’t broken something unfixable, he hadn’t defiled something sacred. He had given Alec what he wanted; he doesn’t have to ask forgiveness himself.

“Can I stay tonight?”

“I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

“I’ll sleep on the couch. Please, Magnus, I just- _please_.”

Magnus kisses his hair, still holding him. “On the couch. I need some space.”

 

Friday

 

It’s early hours in the morning- still dark outside- when Magnus hears his bedroom door ease open. He sits up, squinting in the dark.

“Alexander?”

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you up.”

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing, I-”

“Alec.”

“…I dreamt you told me to get out, and not come back. After last night.”

Magnus imagines him- waking up alone, in a strange room- and feels around to make sure there’s enough pillows. “Come on.”

“What?”

“Get in.”

“It’s fine-”

“ _Get in my bed_ , Alexander.”

Huffing a humourless laugh, Alec climbs in and Magnus tugs him until he settles where Magnus wants him, head resting on Magnus’ chest, Magnus’ arms wrapped around him.

“I wouldn’t do that,” he says, because he can hear Alec thinking.

“I know.”

“I might’ve ended the sex over it, and it might’ve been awkward, but not our friendship. Quite frankly, you couldn’t lie or betray or hurt me in a way that would make me give you up.”

“If I stabbed you, you’d probably feel differently.”

Magnus smiles, because he’s genuinely entertained, and Alec stills.

“Magnus?”

“You have… everything, of me. You have my love, my trust, my respect, and the only thing I learned with Camille is that I’m incapable of taking those feelings back once I’ve given them. If the other person rejects them, I can scrape them off the floor, but…if you stabbed me, Alexander, I’d still love you.”

“Magnus-”

“Sorry,” he says, and he is, because he might be a little happier knowing he could fall out of love more easily.

Cautious in the dark, Alec’s lips find his still-beating heart, faint and hopeful. “You have everything of me too.”

His breath’s warm against Magnus’ skin and he ripples in goosebumps, the air con dialled up against the oppressive heat outside. Then, a hand slides under the sheets, down his stomach, lips moving upwards, sucking gently at his collarbone, and he breathes out.

“Alexander…”

“Please,” he implores, shifting to hovering over him, kissing his neck, up his jaw- his lips, his cheeks, his forehead. “I want to.”

It’s nothing more than Alec taking their clothes off and sliding their bodies together, unhurried and intimate. He whispers devotion in Magnus’ ear and he sighs Alec’s name, legs open, Alec filling the space between them and the space in his head, nothing but the roll of his hips and strength of his arms and brush of his lips.

Magnus holds off just long enough that they come together and Alec collapses on his chest, breathing hard. Only half awake, he nudges Alec off and cleans them both up as best he can in the dark, and holds Alec from behind, chest to back, arm slung over his waist as they fall asleep.

 

***

 

In a rush in the morning, Magnus is grateful Alec makes breakfast again- French toast this time, simple and delicious- and Magnus kisses the thank you, telling him to leave the washing up because he’ll get it later.

“You know where the spare key is, right?”

“I’ll give it back next time I see you,” Alec says, sipping his coffee, leant against the counter, and Magnus pauses. It bothered him yesterday, and it’s starting to bother him again. “What?”

“We’ve seen each other a lot this last week, haven’t we?”

Alec pauses. “Are you not ok with that?”

“I am, I just- we haven’t talked about it.”

“Nothing’s changed for me,” Alec says with a shrug. “It’s just… happened. I’m fine if you are.”

“Ok,” Magnus says, and he smiles, stealing Alec’s mug to drink. “Are you free tonight?”

“No, sorry, my agent set up getting drinks with some producer- apparently he wants to talk about me being exclusively signed to his company, which I don’t think I want to do, but it’s worth having the conversation. _But_ , I’m just writing this weekend, so Saturday? Sunday?”

“Either’s fine,” Magnus says, setting the mug down and accepting the goodbye kiss Alec meets him with, grinning when Alec pushes him against the counter and keeps him there.

Alec delays him longer than Magnus can probably afford, but he surrenders to Alec willingly.

 

***

 

Nearly nine at night, there’s a clear rap of knuckles at the door, the exact rhythm and length of Alec’s knock- three, evenly spaced. Frowning, Magnus tucks his bookmark between the correct pages and puts it aside as he heads to the door.

He opens it and hands grab him. Foot kicking the door shut, Alec kisses him desperately and shoves him against the nearest wall, mouth demanding and forceful, grinding against Magnus’ hip - stunned, Magnus’ hands flit between Alec’s face and he shoulders, groaning when Alec’s hand rubs the length of him through his pants, the noise lost in Alec’s throat.

After a fumble with Magnus’ shirt Alec pushes it off him, shoving a leg between his as if to keep him in place and breaking the kiss to drop his t-shirt to the floor.

It’s the first time Magnus sees his face, and Magnus doesn’t even think, palm up, pushing Alec hard in the centre of his chest when he tries to kiss him again.

Alec’s hands are trembling, movements jerking like they’re not cooperating, and he’s not meeting Magnus’ eye, unseeing, afraid.

“What’s wrong?” Magnus asks, panic bleeding into his voice. “Alexander-”

Alec shakes his heads, trying to back away, but Magnus follows him and keeps close, holding his arms. “He- complete dick, he wouldn’t stop touching me even when I said no-”

“- _what_? Who?”

“That producer, the producer I was meeting tonight,” Alec says, fast, and he kisses Magnus again, trying even when Magnus pushes him back. “I’m fine, I just want to get rid of the feel of him, it still feels like he’s- I need _you_ -”

“Hey, hey, hey,” Magnus says, holding him close, hand sliding up his arm- he can feel Alec shaking, his whole body, “shh, I’ve got you. Tell me what he did.”

Looking over Magnus shoulder, he shakes his head. “He- kept putting his hand on my knee, it wasn’t anything bad, it wasn’t-”

“Alexander.” Gentle but firm, Magnus tries to sound more in control than he is.

Alec squeezes his eyes shut like he’s in pain.

“He kept- saying we could come to some kind of understanding. He’d get my songs to the biggest names in the industry as long as I was willing to do whatever’s necessary to earn it, but I’ll definitely enjoy the process because it would be educational for someone as _young_ and _inexperienced_ as me. And then he ran his hand up my thigh and said we should take the conversation back to his apartment so he could show me exactly what he meant.”

Magnus doesn’t let himself feel anything, doesn’t so much as flinch.

Instead, he waits for Alec, who only opens his eyes when he’s got his breathing under control but it’s slow, like he’s afraid of what he’ll see in Magnus’ reaction when he does meet his eye.

Deliberately, tender and measured, Magnus cups his cheek. He knows he’s done the right thing when Alec exhales and leans into it, relief like he expected rejection.

“First thing in the morning, I’m going to call your agent and get an address. As your lawyer, I’ll send him a cease and desist, demanding he never be in the same room as you again unless he wants to be sued for sexual harassment, coercion, attempted solicitation, and anything else I can come up with between now and then.”

“You can’t, he could ruin my career, he’s a big deal-”

“Firstly, your mental health, safety and security are more important than any pay check,” Magnus says gently, “and your agent’s good at her job, but don’t you dare let her brainwash you into forgetting it. Secondly, I’m going to get my boss to sign off on me taking it on as extra pro-bono, so it’ll officially be with the office and I can slap the company name on it too, and believe me, that’ll scare the shit out of him. And, lastly, I’ll write a little note about how if we think he’s been spreading unfair rumours about you that might affect your earnings, we’ll go ahead and sue anyway.”

“We might not win anything.”

“In that case, I’ll break his neck,” Magnus says evenly, and he sees the moment Alec understands how entirely serious he is, because Alec presses his lips together and his eyes well with tears. “He’s not going to hurt you again, Alexander. I’ll make sure of it.”

Alec nods, and Magnus strokes his cheek before he backs Alec up to the door, guiding him.

Holding his gaze as he reaches past him, Magnus locks the door and slides the bolt he rarely uses because of his building’s already-substantial security in place, locking the world out. It’s just them, and there won’t be anyone else until they decide there can be.

“I want you tell me what you need, sweetheart.”

“I need you,” Alec says, voice pleading, “I need you to _fuck him out of me_ , it feels like he’s in my _skin_ -”

“Ok, shh.”

Magnus kisses him, a press of lips, and Alec agrees when Magnus tells him to get a shower. Knowing he’ll feel better for it, Magnus assures him he’ll be right outside the whole time if he needs anything.

Alec comes out fast, hair still sopping wet and smelling like Magnus’ shampoo, only wrapped in a towel- but his arms are stiff at his side, and Magnus walks to him, offering him a hand to take, and leads him to bed.

Magnus strips himself after he lies Alec down, and goes slow. His lips touch every inch of him, holy ground he worships- kissing inside both of his thighs enough to make him exhale, relaxing back into the silk sheets, cupping Alec’s hands in his own and kissing the palms. Holding him like this is a privilege, and when Alec asks for more, Magnus obeys.

The first finger slips in easily, and Magnus whispers stories he’s never said aloud against Alec’s skin: how when Alec admitted he liked being called Alexander, Magnus called him it several times every conversation because it made Alec smile, like it was a secret between them; when Alec let him listen to the first song he ever sold, Magnus secretly recorded it on his phone and replayed it every night for months because being sung to sleep by Alec was like having a lullaby every night, he felt so safe; that even when Camille had her talons sank so deep into his skin his bones felt it, he still knew he was worthy of love because Alec loved him.

Whimpering at the curl of Magnus’ third finger inside him, Alec’s lips are already parted when he sighs Magnus’ name.

Touching his lips to the sound of his own name, Magnus eases his fingers out and slides them back in, and the stretch is so gradual Magnus breaks the kiss and keeps his cheek to Alec’s neck, listening to every catch of his breath, curling his fingers as he opens Alec up, paying every moment of attention to every tiny piece of pleasure he can give Alec.

“-Magnus,” Alec moans, hips jerking at the next movement of Magnus’ fingers, and he’s a god praying, “-please, _please_ , inside me, please-”

Slipping his fingers out, Magnus supports his lower back to lift his hips off the bed with one hand.

As Magnus pushes inside him, Alec throws his head back, breathless, fingers clutching Magnus’ when Magnus finds his hand, and before he’s fully inside Magnus pauses, letting them both catch their breath. He hovers over him until Alec squeezes his hand, nodding, and then he drives the rest of the way in.

Both of them groan. Magnus drops forward, hands planted either side of Alec’s shoulders, trying to breathe. He kisses his lips, telling him he’s perfect- his voice catching in his throat it’s so true. Alec shakes, thighs trembling, lungs stuttering in air, and when he whispers Magnus’ name, he moves.

Deliberate, Magnus starts slow, intensifying, deepening as the feeling does until they’re both speechless, breathless, every thrust deep enough to make Alec cry out.

“Magnus,” Alec gasps, reaching up to touch Magnus’ face.

Magnus turns into it and kisses. “I’m here, Alexander- I’ve got you-”

“I- _ah_ , _Magnus_ -”

“Shh, my love-”

Alec falls over the edge right before Magnus, shouting Magnus’ name, and Magnus buries his face in Alec’s neck and holds on until they’re both still.

A minute passes before either of them move. Breathing hard, unwilling to let go of him, Magnus is barely lucid but he knows they need to. A blur of pulling out uncomfortably, cleaning them both up and helping Alec drink a glass of water, Magnus collapses into bed and pulls Alec in.

Alec buries in face in Magnus’ chest, and Magnus wraps a protective arm around him. Alec so close Magnus isn’t entirely sure he’ll sleep, but Alec’s breathing evens out, softening into gentle exhales, and it’s enough for Magnus.

 

Saturday

 

Magnus feels Alec stir before he’s really willing to wake, but he opens his eyes anyway, and Alec blinks up at him, drowsy.

“Good morning,” Magnus murmurs, kissing his forehead. “How are you?”

“Better,” Alec says, closing his eyes for the kiss and nuzzling back into Magnus’ chest. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.”

Magnus dozes again- for how long, he isn’t sure- but Alec brings him to with a kiss on the collarbone, soft and sweet.

“I don’t want to go back to my apartment,” he admits, and Magnus huffs a laugh, because he doesn’t want to let go of him.

“Then stay. I don’t have any plans.”

“Magnus-”

“I’m serious.”

After a moment, Alec sighs. “Ok.”

Magnus smiles, inhaling the faint waft of his own shampoo in Alec’s hair. “There are a few options for breakfast, but I got in lots of fruit, so I’m thinking a smoothie and a bagel or something. How does that sound?”

“Really good,” Alec says quietly. His fingers curl in the sheets, pulling them tighter around his shoulders. “I like waking up like this.”

“Me too.”

It takes a long time for either of them to actually move.

 

***

 

That night, they’re on the couch together. The volume on the tv’s turned right down, _Brooklyn Nine-Nine_ playing background noise, and Magnus is between Alec’s legs, lying back on his chest, and they’re both so comfortable they’ve been there hours. Alec’s telling a story, grin in his voice.

“-we were trying out boxing, and Jace punched me so hard he split my lip. Mom was _so mad_ when we got home, I didn’t want to tell her what we’d been doing, so I said some kid at school- who’d cut some of Izzy’s hair off the week before and only got a warning- did it. And, they suspended him.”

Magnus tries to hold in the laugh, tipping his head back against Alec’s chest. “Didn’t you ever get caught?”

“Nope. In fact, I don’t think my mom knows,” Alec says, thoughtful. Magnus hums when he presses an open-mouthed kiss the side of his neck, smiling. “Anyway, your turn.”

“Ok, ok…” It was surprisingly easy to think of things Alec didn’t know, he just had to think of things he’d never said out loud. “…in my first year at law school, we were in the middle of class and in front of everyone, this asshole of a professor said I wasn’t ruthless enough to ever be more than P.A. for a mediocre lawyer. So, I kept his email address, for _years_ , and when I got those six offers after I graduated, I compiled an email of all of them and forwarded it to him, signing it with my name and a smiley face.”

Alec snorts, and Magnus feels the jog of his laugh in his chest. “Oh my _god_.”

“He answered saying it was pettiest thing a former student had ever done in his time as a professor, but he also said congratulations and gave me some advice on which job to take,” Magnus says, smirking with Alec’s grin into his shoulder.

“He was probably _so confused_ until he got to the end of that email and saw your name.”

Both his hands holding one of Alec’s, Magnus plays with Alec’s fingers. “Probably.”

The smile softens against his skin, the buzz of conversation on the tv filling the blank, and when Alec speaks, it’s quieter.

“The first time we met wasn’t the first time I saw you.”

Magnus pauses, listening intently.

“The first time was at the library, about a month before that party,” Alec says, and he hesitates. “Camille walked up to you before I could convince myself to talk to you, so I just… walked away. And I saw you around campus once, too, you were coming out of class.”

Magnus doesn’t know what to say.

“The only reason I walked up to you at the party was because I realised you’d seen me looking.”

Sitting up, twisting around to look at Alec, Magnus stares at him. Hands falling to his side, cheeks pink, Alec wraps his arms around himself and doesn’t quite meet Magnus’ eye.

“…yeah.”

“You didn’t want to talk to me?”

“You’re beautiful,” Alec says, shrugging, “I was barely out, you had a girlfriend… I figured you wouldn’t want to talk to me.”

Magnus blinks. It doesn’t make sense, because he remembers Alec walking in to that party- it was an LGBT society thing and every guy in the room had to relearn how to fucking breathe because this freshman was tall and pretty and clearly worked out and _where the hell did he come from_.

“Alexander…”

Getting up and kneeling between his legs, facing him on fully, Magnus touches the arms wrapped around Alec’s chest in a gentle encouragement to let them go. He doesn’t know how to explain to him his insecurities are _wrong_ , they’re objectively wrong- Magnus always found him fascinating, him being barely out and still showing up to a LGBT party made him one of the bravest people Magnus had ever met, that dating other people would never get in the way of _this_ -

Unable to take his eyes off Magnus, Alec lets his arms drop, and Magnus plants his hands either side of Alec on the arm of the couch to kiss him.

The plush cushion of Alec’s bottom lip delicate between Magnus’ teeth, he presses in deeper when Alec moans, his fingers clutching Magnus’ hips, helpless underneath him.

“I _always_ want you,” Magnus says furiously, tilting Alec’s chin up to force him to look him in the eye. “Do you understand?”

“Magnus-”

“Do you _understand_?”

At Magnus’ tone, Alec nods, breathing shaky. “Yes.”

“Good.” Magnus wants to kiss him again, Alec’s lips pink and glossy, but he just tilts his forehead to Alec’s and sighs. “If we hadn’t met…”

“Don’t,” Alec says, rigid. “Don’t go there.”

“Ok, pretty boy,” Magnus murmurs, and it makes Alec smile- the first thing he ever said to Alec, the first nickname he gave him. “Where do you want to go, then?”

Magnus kisses his mouth again, to make what he’s asking explicit, and when he pulls back Alec’s eyes are soft with adoration, fingers trailing down Magnus’ chest.

“Here. I want to stay here.”

Nodding, smile warm, Magnus turns in his arm and settles back onto his chest, and Alec presses a lingering, sweet kiss under his ear, holding him tight, and whispers ‘your turn’.

 

***

 

Magnus wakes in almost complete darkness, the only light dim streetlight through the curtains. He stirs, confused, and he hears the dull thump of Alec’s notebook shutting. He pets Magnus’ hair, and Magnus realises he mustn’t have moved in case of waking him.

“Hey. Want to go to bed?”

The impulse to kiss him- Alec’s voice rough with sleep, sweet with kindness- hurts, and it takes Magnus a moment to respond.

“Yes,” he says quietly, letting Alec guide him through the dark, resettle them in bed and kiss him goodnight, Alec curled up to him from behind.

He doesn’t fall asleep.

 

Sunday

 

Somewhere in all of this, they’ve lost the boundaries of their friendship. Friends don’t kiss each other goodnight, friends sit on opposite ends of the couch, friends don’t use sex to make each other feel _loved_ \- and they agreed to meaningless sex. It’s all it was supposed to be, an occasional physical act, insignificant in the face of everything else they are.

Magnus wakes up to breakfast in bed, Alec’s bright smile, and his own heart fluttering when Alec kisses his neck, a quiet suggestion Magnus agrees to easily.

He wants a last time.

With every touch of Alec’s fingers, every brush of his lips, Magnus can feel the shift. Everything- his body, his thoughtless, irrational heart, no understanding of its own naivety- in Alec’s hands, Magnus sinks into the pillows and gives in to it.

Innocent to Magnus’ thoughts, Alec glows when Magnus asks to be kissed. He smiles at how willing he is to whatever Alec wants, and tangles their fingers together as he gradually slides inside Magnus, murmuring how beautiful Magnus is- it’s excruciating, blinking back tears so Alec doesn’t see them, but it’s exactly what Magnus wants.

He wants Alec.

Both of them feeling every tiny step towards release, holding each other close, Magnus kisses Alec’s shoulder and mouths the words he can’t risk saying.

Afterwards, Magnus lets Alec kiss his arms, wrists, fingertips, stomach, still trying to get his breath back. He decides no more. Once they leave the bed, it’s over, he can’t let this go on any longer than that, he can’t subject himself to any more pain, he can’t defile their friendship with his weakness-

And then Alec asks if he can convince Magnus to stay in bed until at least the afternoon, fingers trailing up Magnus’ thigh. 

Magnus tells him he can have anything.

 

Monday

 

_Hey, you around tonight?_

_sorry darling, probably going to be working late all week x_

 

_Let me know about the weekend._

 

Saturday

 

Magnus recognises the steady knock at his door, so he doesn’t answer it. He’s at the sink, rinsing a tumbler out, and he shuts the tap off and puts the tumbler down. Hands braced on the counter, he closes his eyes and lowers his head, listening to the knock again, a little louder.

He’s not ready. He can’t do this.

Distantly, he hears the lock click, and realises Alec never brought his key back as the door swings open.

“Magnus?”

“ _Alec_ -”

Coming out of the kitchen, Magnus stares.

With a too-casual flick of the wrist, Alec lets the door shut, and holds the key up between his fingers, offering it to Magnus. His expression’s even, unreadable. “Figured I should bring this back.”

Magnus takes it, backing up as soon as he has it in hand. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome,” Alec says, studying him, and Magnus knows his body language is so obvious- arms folded, angled away from him, unable to look at him, but he’s trying to protect what’s left of him. “You missed everyone at the _Hunter’s Moon_ yesterday, Izzy says you weren’t feeling well.”

“I wasn’t.”

“You could’ve called.”

“Well, I didn’t.”

Alec falters, and for a moment, Magnus thinks he might give up. “You haven’t answered any of my texts this week.”

“Like I said, I was working late.”

“You’re not now, though.”

“I’m about to go to bed.”

Jaw clenched, Alec clearly tries to contain what he’s feeling. “Magnus.”

“What?”

“What did I do? I don’t understand, I don’t know what I did but I want to fix it.” He steps forward, reaching out to take Magnus’ hand, but Magnus jerks back out of reach. Alec’s so devastated, lips parted in shock, he looks like Magnus just backhanded him. “Magnus, please.”

He’s begging. Magnus knows he’s doesn’t consider anything below him when it’s the people most important to him- he’s pulled all nighters staying up with Izzy and helping her study, he’s gone out on eight-hour shopping sprees with Jace to try and help him figure out birthday presents for girlfriends- but he doesn’t want Alec on his knees.

“I just need some time,” Magnus says, trying not to let the pain bleed into his voice.

“Ok,” Alec says, swallowing, seeming relieved just to get an answer. “You can have time. Whatever you need, Magnus, you can have it.”

“I need you to go.”

“Why?”

“I need you to go, Alec.”

“Magnus,” Alec says, and he sounds exhausted, barely keeping it together, and Magnus squeezes his eyes shut so he doesn’t have to see it. “Just say it.”

Magnus flinches, and shakes his head. He can’t.

“Do you think I don’t feel the same?”

Inexplicably, Magnus laughs, feels it burst out of him, raw and painful in his chest. “I know you do; every time you _speak_ you say ‘I love you’, Alexander.”

And it’s said.

And Magnus can’t take it back.

Something in him shatters- he closes his eyes and bends over, the grief pulling him in, trying and failing to hold himself together. They can’t do this, they can’t be this, he needs Alec to give his heart back no matter how damaged it is, he needs him to _leave_.

“Magnus?”

“Please go.”

“I don’t understand, we _love_ each other, isn’t this a good thing-?”

Forcing himself to straighten up, he meets Alec’s eye, trying to keep his composure. “If we- try this, if we _fail_ , I’ll lose you. I can’t lose you, I _can’t_ , don’t ask it of me-”

“You’re not going to lose me.”

“You don’t know that-”

“Yes, I do.”

Alec’s so certain, so absolute, Magnus finally feels lost for words.

“What do you think last week was? That’s us. That’s who we are. That’s how _happy_ we make each other.” Alec steps towards him but stops just short of him, not quite touching, his eyes hard and sure and devoted. “Magnus, I don’t know what life is going to be like. I don’t know what we’re going to suffer, I don’t know how the world might try to tear us apart, but I know you.”

Tears spill down Magnus’ cheeks as he stares back, the key biting into his fingers he’s holding it too tight.

“You’re my best friend and I love you and I _believe_ in you.”

In the absence of Alec’s fight, the apartment’s quiet. Magnus chokes on his sobs, trying to hold them back, and he can feel Alec wanting to reach out, to hold him, but he doesn’t move because it has to be Magnus, and they both know it.

Taking several, deep breaths, Magnus wipes his cheeks, and swallows. He’d ask about marriage and kids, but he already knows Alec wants both, and they both agreed they’d move to the suburbs if they had them, and he’s already talked to Alec about going to Indonesia again for a few months before he’s thirty. There’s no long-term plan positioned to tear them apart yet.

Reaching out and taking Alec’s hand, their eyes meeting as he holds it between both of his, Magnus presses his lips to it.

“I didn’t have faith until I met you, Alexander.”

 

Sunday

 

Magnus gets out of bed early to make breakfast. He puts on the coffee and pulls out his old waffle iron, making a stack so high he’s pretty sure they won’t finish it, but Alec comes out of the bedroom before he can take it to him.

Smiling, helplessly happy, Alec starts to say he didn’t need to and Magnus kisses him to hush him, stroking his cheek as he pulls back.

“Coffee?”

“Sounds great,” Alec sighs, rubbing sleep out of his eyes, clearly still waking up, and Magnus pecks his lips again with a ‘mwah’ just because he can, because it makes Alec smile. “Need any help?”

“Sit down and look pretty,” Magnus says, bumping Alec with his hip, but as he’s pouring the coffee Alec wraps his arms around him from behind and Magnus stills, relaxing back into his chest. “Good morning.”

“Good morning,” Alec says, kissing his cheek and taking the coffee out from underneath Magnus like he stole it, grinning mischievously behind the mug as Magnus turns around.

“Oh, _I_ see how it is,” Magnus says, rounding on him. “I’ll never be as important as coffee, will I?”

“I’m glad you understand,” Alec says solemnly, and Magnus grins.

Taking the mug out of his hand, sipping it himself even though it’s too bitter and setting it down on the counter at Alec’s seat, Magnus smiles at him. “Sit your cute butt down, my love.”

Alec pauses. “‘My love’?”

“Do you prefer ‘sweetheart’?”

“ _No_ ,” Alec says emphatically, kissing Magnus, “no, keep ‘my love’, it’s just… hang on, I won’t be a second.” He disappears, returning when the last waffle’s ready with his phone. “Right, seeing as we’re in love now and this is cute instead of creepy, you can listen to those songs I’ve never sold.”

Magnus perks up, making him turn it up as he gets his coffee and they both sit down, knees bumping, Magnus concentrating on the song. The quality isn’t professional, it’s clearly just Alec and his guitar, but the melody’s poignant, the lyrics flirting with melancholy they’re so aching, and the two lovers are on the precipice of something beautiful and the singer knows it.

Magnus smiles until at a line in the second verse about ‘the sweetest heart’. “Is this about… me?”

“About, for, to,” Alec says quietly.

Unable to concentrate on the next line, Magnus sits back, staring at the phone. “There are more like this?”

“A few.”

Magnus feels lost until he meets Alec’s eyes- leaning over, he kisses him. There aren’t words for what he feels, but he try to can show him.

**Author's Note:**

> loved writing this, lemme know if it was worth reading my lovelies <3


End file.
